Saturday, October 17, 2009

Day 11- Love Your Life Challenge, Validate

Validate your feelings
How many times have you heard or have you said “It's no big deal, there are people that are worse off then me” or something like it?

Everyone has stuff and just because there is someone worse off then you (and then always will be) doesn’t mean you are not entitled TO BE and feel.
Validate your feelings!
You have a right to be pissed off! Guilt free and it is more then OK.
Yeah, other people may have it tougher and they may be worse off but right here right now if you are happy, sad, frustrated, angry that is OK.


Because once you get it out there you can move on, no matter how big or how small it may be negative "stuff" festers and that is where it begins. The essential part is MOVING ON. You have a right to be.
If your Partner or whoever else does not acknowledge how you are feeling then make them understand. Even within yourself, by validating your own feelings within yourself you are allowing yourself the freedom to be and think and therefore move on. Voice and move on and laugh about how silly it was later!
When you let things fester and a small problem will become big problem if it isn’t dealt with straight away. So validate! If the significant other respects you they will understand and support you and your feelings.

Look at things and people for how they are, are you pretending or do you know a pretender?

Stepford wives are 2 things
1.They are pretending because they don’t want to deal with their ‘stuff’ or maybe their stuff just hasn’t happened yet. But 9 times out of 10 I will say they are pretending because they have chosen that material things are more important then actually dealing with their ‘stuff’. However it’s just a smoke screen because you and I both know that happiness comes from within that is true success.

2.They can have their perfect make up, their perfect hair, their perfect bodies, their perfect houses and drive their perfect cars but at least you and I are keeping it real sister! When is the last time you think they let their hair down had a true belly laugh and laughed out loud because it was so funny!

Respect yourself! We feel for a reason so validate and move on.

This week's Prizes, brace yourself!

* Jewelery from the awesome Cherry Mag
* The coolest hamper ever by Hamperific
* A colour analysis valued at $330 by best Image Consultant of all time Imogen Lamport

* Feel like the star you are with a Photo Shoot and prints at MJPhotography valued at $540


Jade Craven said...

Oooh! look at those prizes!

Honestly - validating my feelings has been one of the best things that came out of getting anxiety. I can know acknowledge my emotions and change parts of my life accordingly. My lifes not great, but it stops me feeling so pressured and I can just go with the flow.

Looking forward to this weeks posts :-)

graciebell said...

Great post - I totally agree that not dealing with an issue when it comes up is a recipe for problems down the track. I had a past relationship where my partner at the time would never validate my feelings, & it got to the point where my inner voice was telling myself that my thoughts & feelings were not important - I would just sweep them under the carpet. After I ended the relationship of many years I had to do a lot of self-work to get myself back on track & build-up my self-esteem again, and to realise that my feelings were very important - that was in essence who I was.

Out of the books I read, course I attended, & self-work that I undertook, the most valuable thing I have realised is being able to forgive others (and myself in some situations) in order to truly move on & be at peace with my world.

Bra Queen said...

Hi Jade and Graciebell,
Jade your life IS great! You are young and the world is at your feet in your relatively young life you have lived more then others but most importantly you have/are working thru it! You are doing amazing things girl!
Graciebell so many people just sweep things under the rug and it does my head in I really do call them The Great Pretenders, I feel sorry for them becuase I see them and they older then there years and they head are just filled with yuk, they don't even have to say a word you can just see it in their faces. I feel for them because I think everyone has been there, especially as women we just tend to suck it up and go about our day but NO MORE! NO WAY!
Now I have kids especially girls I really want to walk the talk and teach them to love themselves for whoever they are and they have a voice and it's important they use it.

Anonymous said...

I do agree children make you really look at yourself and sometimes you dont like what you see. I have a three year old and I would say alot of self discovery has occurred in the past three years in order for him not to feel the way I have over the years.
One of which is exactly what your blog is about I agree deal with it. I was a SHOCKER sometimes not speaking for 4 to 5 weeks and then forgetting what I was even mad about and making something up! Now I'm down to 30mins and I'll run back into the room and deal with it. Alot is thanks to my husband who is great at that!
But yeah I have to stop saying "There are people worse of than me" I do say that out of guilt for how I feel. Stupid really!
Thanks for that I'll work on that now too...

As for stepford wives I have a few friends like that and looking in it's not that pretty. We all have issues in our relationships but the stepford kind it's a shame and as a friend it breaks your heart to watch!

Chantal Fleming said...

A great topic.

Graciebell - well done on moving on and finding the peace that you needed.

I also agree re: having children was a huge learning curve, and an exercise in loving yourself in order to set that example for your children. They pick up SOOOOO much from what you do, say, action, etc, and can be such little mirrors and loud speakers at time.

Re: validating my life. I find myself as someone who swings both ways on this. I often say "there are people worse off" when I find myself having a whinge or being stuck in a rutt and not able to get out. I use it as inspiration to continue on and fight back. But I have also said many a time that I have the right to feel as I do because no-one walks in my shoes and lives my life, so the way I feel is mine and I have to own it. What I then do with it then will dictate my day/week/year/life.

flutterbye_77 said...

Validation.. Is not always easy to obtain.. esp self validation sometimes u dnt realise how delicate the wall of self validation is until one person starts throwing bricks at it!! Recently I made the decision to go away leaving my 4 boys at home with there father (my ex who was on R&R 4 weeks away one week home) Being tht we dont seem to get along when we are together and it ends up with arguing... I thought it best for everyone and so did my ex,, tht is until he had to really be a father!! He had sick kids school camp forgetful kids and rain everyday... He accomplished nothing within the household and rang me to whinge every step of the way,, burdening me with his plight and dampening my spirits I felt guilty I felt like being away was the wrong thing to do and couldnt shake the thought of something bad happening to one of my boys!! He didnt mow the lawns, clean out the shed fix the kitchen cupboard or our sons toy table the dogs water was empty and I just finished doing the last of the 6 loads of washing he left behind not to mention i put away the shoes ,tools, and other crap he left lying around argghhhh .. He made me feel irresponsible for taking some time off from my obvious busy busy life as a Mother of 4 one in high school one in primary 2 at home (daycare 2ce a week he says are my days off pfftt not likely he has no idea) But I should be able to spend my time as I please,, shouldnt I?? He mentioned things like what about me having time to do things I want to do?? So I am meant to not make the most of my time and be here incase u need a babysitter?? The sacrifices I made (happily at the time) to be in the relationship with him far outweighed his and As far as I am concerned he owes me I have been a mother for 13 years now (he was 28 when i had met him and until then had never done anything but do exactly what he wanted when he wanted never had had a responsibility)Our plan when we met was for us to have 2 children (I already had 2 from a previous relationship) and for him to concentrate on achieveing his career goals,, then once the 2 youngest were bigger for me to do the same (which I had alreayd been working towards as a single mother I actually had my dream job which I gave up along with my home town state even friends family and compfort zone)!! tht hasnt happend as he decided to be a Cheating bastard!!! Although tht was not the only thing wrong with the relationship he wanted a stepford wife perfect to the outside world (I even dyed my hair blonde at one point) To shove all pain and unhappiness under the carpet, while he was out achieveing his goals our relatioship turned into one big spending spree buying "stuff" to cover up the unhappiness to make us seem sucessfull to the outside world.. As fun as it sometimes was It isnt me wasnt me and anyone tht knows me knows tht I am a pretty simple girl I like to laugh spend time with my children and friends I feel like he drowned me I actually wrote a song about how fake our relationship was a line from tht song is "its all for the joneses but nothing smells like roses"
And yes there are people tht are worse off and yes there is tragity in the world but this is MY life MY experiance and I want it to be the best it possibly can be.. Now U tell me... Did I do the wrong thing?? was I being selfish??? Am I a bad mother?? I don't think so but he has enstiled me with doubt ... Sorry plp I needed to vent... pheww I feel better!!

moonchild said...

Flutterbye - that was a great vent, I could feel it! Does you good to be able to spill it all out to women who understand.
My thing about 'stuff' is what I call 'a blip in my flow'. Like a pea under the mattress. sometimes one little thing or an accumulation of a few maybe trivial things, like him forgetting an anniversary, a friend not inviting me to her dinner party, my kids not calling when they said .... and I walk around with a sort of niggly feeling just not feeling right with the world, out of sorts until the flow is smooth again. I've found the best way of dealing with it is writing down what's bothering me and often just doing that puts it in perspective. I think the biggest lesson I have learned in life is from my husband, and that is not to be judgemental. He was the first truly accepting person I have ever met, maybe the only! It wouldn't matter what I did, if I decided to dye my hair orange, take my clothes off in public or become a junky; whatever I did he would just accept that I have every right to do as I please without anyone's permission. He wouldn't even make a judgement on whether that's a good thing or a bad thing to do (unless it was obviously very harmful to others). Maybe I haven't put that very well but it's made me realise that once we stop putting our own value judgements on people a lot of the small stuff disappears. We stop putting expectations on people and are genuinely pleased with small actions. What right do we have anyway to expect people to live as we want them to? I try really hard to embrace that philosophy and not judge anyone's actions, even if it hurts sometimes.

Bra Queen said...

Bell- We do become better people when we become parents, it does make us look at ourselves in a different light. my partner and I would go days without talking he was the silent one, until we made a pack never to go to bed upset; you both have a crap night sleep anyway!
Chantal- You have such a great outlook and they are clone of ourselves!
Flutterbye- The beauty of this site is you can vent and no one judges! We need to voice it (or write it) it makes us feel better. i think it is an agruement every Mother and father have had "who works the hardest blah blah blah" and of course it is totally us ;-)
Please make sure you are doing all of the tasks like writing down your frustrations, we will be wrapping everything up in the next weeks weeks and it will be crucial for your progress. This is still very raw with you and you are still living it so we really need to work on removing all the yuk so you can move on or have a clear head and the strength to do whatever you have to do.
Moonchild- I love when you say this-
"We stop putting expectations on people and are genuinely pleased with small actions" you are so right! I often will get upset with my partner if I am working or doing whatever and I come home and nothing is done but I have to tell myself "If you want something done you have to ask for it, otherwise we are expecting them to read minds. Even though you and I both know that it's obvious but men don't see it that way.
Lovely feedback guys!

flutterbye_77 said...

A recent post of mine on facebook reads!! I always expected perfection and not that I will lower my standards, I must just accept people just as they are and enjoy them for what I love about them not what I would Change!!... Thanx My Bra Queen and Moonchild!!! all the ladies here have alot of food for thought!!!

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