Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 2- Love Your Life Challenge, Domestic Violence

Guest Post- My Story on Domestic Violence

I had to break the cycle and stop the war because I'd had enough
When I was a teenager I watched my Mum get physically abused. It was usually on weekends and alcohol was always the instigator. He was unbelievably quiet when he was sober but when he had a few drinks in him he become very violent.
He would head butt my mum, throw her against cars, throw her up against walls you name it.
My brother and I would watch so scared and I was older so I would always stop it somehow.
I hated the next day the awkwardness that we all felt. I couldn’t look him in the eye and I just had to put up with it and pretend it didn’t happen. No one knew this was going on in my house not even my closest friends.

Although I couldn’t understand why my Mum kept putting up with it, I was old enough to know and I understood that she needed someone.

He then started to become violent with my brother and I, but I am not going to go into that.
When I finished school I left home and moved quite far away. I was really scared to leave because I didn’t know what would happen to my brother and my Mum because in so many ways I was the strong one and I always stopped it.
Eventually they split up I don’t know why but I am glad they did.

As I was working hard and saving money so I could put myself through College. When I was 18 years old I meet a guy that for some reason caught my eye. I just remember telling my friend “I think I like him” and she said “BUT HE HAS TATTOOS” I said “I know but look at his smile!”
We eventually got together and lived together. I knew he drank a lot but that was kind of the town we lived in as well. But I soon found out that he was quite violent not with me but with other people when he was drinking. Always getting into fights but it was always the other guys fault.
Then on my 19th Birthday we were out celebrating and my mum was up so I was filming a band for her and he walked past me and elbowed me in the arm. When I looked he said I was flirting with a guy and when I looked at the guy he was about 80 years old!

Then one night I we were suppose to go out together but he come home so drunk that he couldn’t. When I said I was still going out he said “No! you are not” and I said “What’s good for the goose is good for the gender” WELL!

He came flying at me and he beat me to an absolute pulp to !
I ran out and I was walking and hiding when every car drove past. I saw him driving the streets looking for me. A friend come and picked me up and instantly I was playing it down.
The next day he come to me and was ever so remorseful, crying saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would NEVER do it again and he didn’t know what came over him.
He did do it again and continued to do it again. BUT
He had a good side and boy that good side was the best! Funny, charming, creative and ambitious and I just thought that if I could help him through it we’d would be OK.

The worst time was when I tried to break up with him and he told me he would commit suicide (he didn’t say it that nicely) if I did. When I pleaded with him he got really angry, I was sitting outside and he raced over to me grabbed me by the throat and picked me up (still holding me by the throat) and I was literally just dangling as he was holding me. (I just realised that I STILL say holding, he was STRANGLING me) Luckily my house mate come home and when she seen what was happening she stopped him and she told me to go inside and she ever so calmly said “I think you better go” and he did.
She came into the bathroom where I was curled up into a ball struggling to breathe because he’s been strangling me for a while. She put her arm around me and said nothing just held me.

To you a say THANK YOU!

But I STILL went back! Because why? I told you he was charming he knew what to say and when to say it and I thought I had no where or no one to turn too.
Until one night it happened again and he left, then I left. I left no note, nothing! I never cried I just left and moved on.

You here people say “I would just leave, I wouldn’t put up with that” You don’t know what you are going to do until you are in that situation.
Now I know this-
I was just a girl who thought she was an adult and although I knew it was wrong it was the only love I had known for a really long time. I was scared and I thought I had no where to turn. I didn’t know any different, I had no where to go and no one to turn too. But you know what? I did and you do and anywhere is better then there.

I left and promised myself that I would NEVER let that happen again. When I looked in the mirror there was new determination, new self confidence and new self respect. I would do it on my own!
And I did, and then someone walked into my life that loves me and adores me because I gave myself permission to be loved the way everyone is supposed to be loved.

Domestic Violence Facts:
50% of women in their CURRENT relationship have been abused by her partner at least once.
Only 12% of them call the police, the others admit living in fear (I never did, but I should have because later in his life he REALLY hurt someone they nearly died. He needed help)
20.8% of all homicides involve intimate partners. This represents approximately 76 homicide incidents within Australia each year.

Everyone has a trigger, a point that they get too where enough is enough. It may not be physical abuse it may be verbal or sexual. But you can only do something when you are ready and you have the strength. But there is always an out and only you can make it happen.
If you don’t feel comfortable getting “help” read You Can Heal You Life by the amazing Louise Hay and go from there.

Domestic Violence Resource Site
Domestic Violence Prevention Centre


The Naked Redhead said...

Thank you for posting this, and for your honesty in telling your story. I often think that as women, we are somehow conditioned to think that we have to "take it" from men...whatever crap that might be, whether it's emotional, physical, sexual or whatever. I had a situation in college where I was emotionally abused, and you're right...I felt like I was the only one who could help him with his problems. But one day I just said "enough" and was done, for good.

Good for you for getting up, getting out, and demanding better for yourself. Hopefully your story will give courage to other women who just need that extra nudge to get help.

Anonymous said...

What a heart-felt account of how and why women get caught up in damaging relationships. It so often stems from childhood trauma. Thank you for sharing your story with the world.

Anonymous said...

How brave of you to share your story online! I know that it is helping other women realize that they are in abusive relationships too. It's common for women to think their relationship isn't "really abusive" and remain far too long...

Bra Queen said...

Thank you all so much for your comments.
It's crazy what we put up with sometimes and we think that's it's not that bad or whatever we say to convince ourselves of otherwise.
My point is that although it is scary of the unknown it is worth it for what's waiting for you on the other side.
Thanks Again xx

MadCow said...

Thanks for sharing, Renee.

I wholeheartedly agree with your comemnt that its easy for people to say "I would just leave". If only it where that simple ... there's so much more involved, emotion, connection, love ... it's not that easy.

I'm glad your trigger came when it did .. and you got out of there when you did.


Bra Queen said...

Thanks Amanda xx

Bev said...

you are a very brave girl to open up to everyone to read your story

flutterbye_77 said...

My Bra Queen... I too have suffered at the hands of abuse, It seems that nearly every man that has touch my life has let me down in one way or another from my father, step fathers, boyfriends and Partners... Breaking the cycle is what I strive for every day... How do I stop myself from attracting abusive people?? I thought I finally had It right but once again my judgement failed me.. As much as I strive to be the person I know I am capable of being It is hard to not let the hangover of abuse in its many forms cloud my everyday life.... I feel like my intuition, judgement and heart keep doing the wrong things by me!!! And who do you trust when u feel u cant even trust yourself???

Bra Queen said...

Hi Flutterbye,
Continue to do the challenge and make sure you do Day 3. Sometimes when you focus so hard on something you don't want you are inadvertently attract it, Law of Attraction.
Work with me thru out the next month rebuilding your confidence (not the pretend confidence the real, true confidence) we can see if we can get to the bottom of it. Then we can go from there, sometimes when it has continually happened we test our partner or we are just waiting for something to happen this is an indication that you haven't recovered and accepted what has happened so therefore you can't move forward and break the cycle.
Allow yourself to be you have to trust yourself in order to move forward once you find inner peace amazing things will happen. That person you are striving to be is dying to come we need to listen to her!
Please continue to update me with your progress so we can focus on getting you thru this.
Good Luck, know I am with you every step xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Bra Queen I applaude you for coming out with your post, I'm glad that you reached that bright light at the end of very dark tunnel.

The only true way to rid the world of domestic voilence is to prevent it and that starts at home, too little is put into children these days to respect your fellow man, and that you should never ever physically abuse a lady.

I've been reading flutterbye comments and I'm a bit astounded that she said "Breaking the cycle is what I strive for every day" she doesn't need to break the cycle those dumbass twits that have abused her need to break the cycle. Becuase the will continue to abuse when they move onto there next partner.

Bra Queen said...

Thank you for your commetna above.
You're right I agree that too little is put onto children to be honest I think to respect others in general.
You right in what you are saying about the twits and they are twits. But when you have been abused over a long period of time it's all you know and as much as you do not want it you attract it. i believe in the Law of Attraction if you do not deal with your "stuff" then you will continue to attract it. That's where Flutterbye is coming from.
To remove and get over this takes to much courage and determination, you literally have to strip yourself down and re build in order for this to stop.
You forgive but you never forget. A song, a thought a smell can bring back all too quickly and take you back like you are still there.

Silverdragon said...

Bra Queen - thank you for your story! It is also important to note that it's not only women who come from a background of domestic violence that find themselves caught up in it.
You are so right though, that it isn't as easy as saying "I'd just leave". I always thought that too, until I was there and then it took me four years to "just leave". Many different things will hold a person in an unhealthy relationship - lack of outside support, pride, thinking they can change the abuser (if I just love him enough he'll get better) or having their self-esteem so squashed they start to believe they won't cope alone.
As you also rightly pointed out - most bad relationships are not all bad - there are lots of really good fun bits, otherwise there would be no hope and no reason to stay - it's the fact that you can see how good it could be that you keep trying.
Anyway, thanks again - my heart goes out to every woman who is still struggling and I wish them strength and clarity.

Bra Queen said...

Silverdragon you are so right that it isn't just women who this affects it is boys and men, who have lived with abuse and though they may not grow up to abuse others (thank goodness)it is so hard for them to love for the fear of what may happen.
I am so glad you have moved on and I wish you well in your journey.

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