Thursday, April 8, 2010

Are you hiding behind your children?

You would have read or heard about the recent controversial comment made by French writer Elisabeth Badinter who argues that “Mothers in the English-speaking world have become slaves to their children.”

Personally I could not agree more! We do become slaves to the point where it is expected that you do which is absolutely crazy. We wonder why Post Natal Depression is at an all time high. You are forced to lose yourself in motherhood because society tells us too and we guilty if we do put ourselves first.

I could not wait to go into labour just so I felt like I had control of my body again and I can not wait for my children to go to bed just so I have a minute to breathe. It is crucial that I continue to work on my businesses even if I am straight home from hospital, I need it, I crave it and it makes me a great Mother for it. Sure sometimes I get caught up and I do doubt myself as I Mother and if I’m doing to right thing and I do put my children first. I am an absolute stickler for giving them nutritious, well balanced, home cooked meals. I control what snacks they eat, they don’t drink juice or pop maybe that is completely and totally over the top. I do cook and freeze their meals for whenever I can’t be bothered cooking because my children have never eaten food from a jar and that’s just me.

I choose to do that and I happy with my decision and I do not judge others on how they choose to parent because everyone has their thing.

For me it becomes an issue when your happiness depends on your children, I find that completely ridiculous and you are hiding behind your children and you have to yourself why?

Who were you before you had children?

What did you like?

When did you stop knowing what you actually want/like/need?

What is stopping you from rediscovering yourself?

You are an amazingly strong independent caring loving sensual woman who deserves the love support and passion from everybody that surrounds you. You are free and safe to do and be whatever you desire. I love you, do you love you?


House of Vintner said...

Hi Renee
Great post! As a mum of 9... people are always suprised I still have 'a life' - a business, I write etc... Like.... perhaps...I shouldn't! I should be up to my elbows in cloth nappies and story books... I adore my children, I am so glad I have them... but I have ME stuff too. One they'll leave home and make a life for themselves. I am not going to look around and wonder what life has in store for me. And I if I don't go and get it now, one day I will be too old to try! I won't lose me this way... but I still get to have a family and be productive outside of that. I love that I can be and have both!

Bra Queen said...

It feels good doesn't it! I have spent a lifetime getting to know ME and then I owned who I am now I get to LIVE who I am. It makes us better people for it. :)

MadCow said...

Well said, Renee.

It think there is a crucial element in all "they" tell you, with all their baby focus and kid focus.

Even the ones who are advocates for making sure you get some time for yourself, the *self*, who you are at your core, seems to be overlooked.

And no need to tell you what I stand for :)

Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

So true. I have a theory that as a mum you can only be great at one thing (or expect to be), yours is obviously diet, mine is sleep. People are always amazed at how early my kids go to bed and how it doesn't change during the school holidays. I figured out that if they are well rested they behave well, plus I need my time out from them, and that doesn't happen til they are in bed.

Sure my kids have eaten out of a jar, and they have a reasonably healthy diet, they eat lots of fruit and veg, but I don't have the energy to get obsessed about it, plus I've got too much other stuff to do with my business to worry about it.

Bra Queen said...

I agree Amanda the ones that often stress how important it is to have 'you time' are the ones that overlook the essence of who you are.

I know Imogen my kids are in bed at 7pm every night, often our friends will say "They run a tight ship in this household" but if they go to bed later they never sleep in and their behaviour the next day is terrible.
My thing is with their diet is if I allow them to snack all day I can't actually gage what they are eating and it's often biscuits and things alike.
I tried once to feed them food from out a jar and they both wouldn't go near it, so they get their treats because that is just as important. Otherwise they will go crazy on the stuff when they get a chance :)

I love this topic!

pep+coddle said...

Great topic Renee! I'm passionate about this stuff, because I have people close to me that have totally lost perspective on similar things that you mentioned, and it is starting to affect my relationship with them.

There are so many people (mothers) out there who I think are desperate to be mothers so that they can feel needed. They forget that they are actually needed as themselves, as a sister, wife, aunty, daughter... they lose the true value of what they have to give. I suppose some people are/will always be dependant on someone else for their own happiness - because then when it all goes pear shaped, there is someone else to blame! I was one of those expecting mothers that said: "I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up my life, to have such responsibility... I still want my freedom!" And now that I've realised I can still have both, I tell other expecting Mums that they too can still have as much of a life as they "choose" - even with children! Everything is a choice.

I have realised it myself, but I'm one of the lucky ones who happened to make all the right mistakes to learn from. I am comfortable with my own morals, values and opinions that I can now say that occassionally my kids might indulge on a few extra chocolates and cake at a party, and they will survive. They might go to bed a bit later tonight because we had a special guest, and that is ok. They might pee on the floor while we're toilet training, but that's ok too! Everything is always ok... and anything that doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger!

Bra Queen said...

I LOVE that!
All of my favorite words freedom, choice and passion. Music to my ears :)
I remember one of my friends from the country saying " People say your life changes when you have kids but only if you let it" and I totally agree we have a choice. Yes of course it changes to a disargee but it's up to us how much.

Oh god! We had so many accident's while we were toilet training and there will be again shortly. But you are so right everything is always OK.

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